Hey Instagram, Give Me My Friend Back: A Letter to the Uninteresting

Dear Girl/Guy-Friend,

Please stop taking pictures of yourself here. I know we're here because I'm here with you. While I'm sure it's important that your other friends (most likely frienemies, distant ones and work ones on Facebook) are wondering where you are or want to know how good you look in your outfit, you're boring me.

Social media has really changed our generation. We are the generation that invites people via emails, gets offended via text messages, and takes pictures of ourselves to share. It wasn't always like this especially without camera phones. Before I move forward, I confess that in Junior High, I went to Sears Portrait Studio with my friends. We took photos. I used lip liner incorrectly and spent an abhorrent amount of saved up lunch money on wallet sized prints that I just knew people would want. I was an idiot who wanted to show off my below average looks and lack of makeup technique. I wanted junior high flattery or maybe a boyfriend. Either way I was a fool and it's still a foolish thing to do since it is completely arrogant. (Not to mention I missed the coupons in the paper- I could've gotten 5 more wallet sized prints for the same price!) Technology has only inflated this problem of narcissism by making this more instantaneous and therefore a gratuitous exchange. It's so easy to barter our character flaws for a grab bag of emotional indulgences like ego boosting compliments, some witty banter from someone you respect, or even just an emoji icon of a smiling turd swirl via our mobile devices.

Surely I like to indulge in our friends' lives from time to time. I'm happy you got to fly first class! I'm happy you got to meet that famous person who makes us laugh! Your baby is beautiful! Damn, guy/girl, did you treat yourself to some Dior? (And no, I am underwhelmed by your new Michael Kors bag. Yawn) I'm glad you finally met the boy/girl of your dreams! I love your artistic photos! What an accomplishment! Your dog is so cute! Your meal looked so good! What? You got to hang out with Louis CK? But I just hope that you remember to not try so hard to look cool in your instagram/facebook feed. If you've taken more than 3 mins to take your photo, it's trying too hard. You don't need to. I really care about you and I think you're cool. It would be tragic if your internet persona became more interesting than you are in person. We know someone like this and we talk shit about them because it's lame. The person who posted a picture and used exclamation points in their caption but no one remembered them being there because they didn't say anything worth remembering. Right, girl/guy, it's sad?

So, pal, I just want to hang out with you because you're honest and you make me laugh. It's probably better to make an effort with the real life friends than the virtual ones like the ex you're still trying to impress via Facebook since that is the polite way to show eachother up as adults. Who says "wow I want to hang out with someone because they took really great pictures of themselves looking like they're having fun at [given bar full of fashionable people]?" No one.

Pro-Vacationer & My Catholic Guilt

Hello, I write to you from home in sunny Los Angeles.

Vacation has become me. I am wearing stretch cottons and shearling so that I can sleep at any given moment. This is how I relax. I'm not one of those people who relax with schedules and vacuuming. That is horseshit because those people are never "relaxed," they're "less agitated." When I relax, I do things on a whim. I shop when I want to shop. I eat cheeseballs for breakfast when I want. I drink coffee with extra creamer. My fiance is a lucky man.

People like to make resolutions around this time and for the most part, they're never really upheld for the next 50 weeks. Personally, I enjoy the lunar new year more, but I digress. But this year, I'm going to go ahead and give up guilt. When I was discussing my wedding plans with my Tito, I admitted to making certain plans because I felt "bad." My very wise and academia-styled Tito pointed out that it was my Catholic guilt and that I shouldn't feel bad. It's MY wedding.

This got me thinking. I remembered all of my "doomsday" theories. (Admit you had em too! You weren't sure we were going to live past 12/21/13!) I truly thought that things might be going my way because the world was going to end. That this could be the ONLY explanation as to why things were working out for me. On 12/22/13,  this was proven to be untrue. I strongly believe in balance, but I realized I was applying this to my life incorrectly. Slightly. I won't admit that much wrongdoing.

My new 2013 theory on happiness is that we are entitled to it. Surely, it won't always be as obvious at times, but if we begin to see our dreams manifest, then so be it and they shouldn't come at a cost. I still believe in consequence or overindulgence, but I don't believe in feeling guilty about seeing the results I want to see and simple doing what makes me happy. Cheeseballs. Stretch pants. Writing. Sharing.

In the grand scheme of things, I don't suggest that you should act out on impulses or be selfish, nor do I believe that anyone deserves to be mistreated, but I do suggest to try to re-define or expand your honest definition of happiness. You'll know it when you know because it will be the simplest and most natural conclusion. Don't overthink it. Don't fight your instincts. Mirth is natural.

Our Trip to Chicago, Illinois

Fatty Catty reading the Sky Mall catalog somewhere over Texas

Mike and I took our first vacation in a long time. After getting the house, not only were most of our weekends spent dodging day laborers in the Home Depot parking lot, working to pay for stuff at Home Depot, or using stuff from Home Depot, we had a lot of shit to do. 

When we found out we had a couple weddings to attend in the midwest, it was the obvious choice to take a few days inbetween ceremonies to explore Chicago and begin our culinary quest for local flavor in hopes of devouring as much as is humanly possible. In all honesty, I don't really know Chicago all too well. Most of my life, I've only know Chicago through Ferris Bueller, Steve Urkel and Balki Bartokomous. If there was a way to funnel in all the amazing meat products the Windy City had to offer, we would have, but we had to settle for this trip.

Our 1st stop, Gino's East

After checking in to the hotel, our itinerary was as clear as the napkins we used to wipe our mouths with afterwards- we wanted Chicago style deep dish pizza. There are many arguments as to which pizza place has the "best" pizza, but my most trustworthy junk food connoisseurs all pointed me towards Gino's East, and I was not disappointed. Plus, we spotted Vince Vaughn there and he looks like a man that enjoys good pizza regularly.

My pizza paragon from Gino's East complete with a full layer of patty sausage

Since we had just devoured about 8lbs of pizza each, Mike and I decided to walk it off and parade our new engagement around the city with Fatty Catty.

Fatty Catty at the Bean

Fatty Catty at Hancock Observatory

 Fatty Catty at the Museum of Contemporary Art Chicago

After miles of walking and hauling the Cat, we built up our appetite for refreshment, and OK, more food. (Don't judge. Alright, fine go ahead, you disapproving food hippy) We decided to go to a brewpub in a different neighborhood, Goose Island. There, we found a handful of locals who just got off work, decompressing and violently cheering on the Bears game. Obviously, we were at the right place at the right time.

Gooseneck taps at Goose Island

We ordered plates of so many types of pork. Lots of pork happens in Chicago. More importantly, we cheered together with the bar regulars to cheer on the home team which felt really nice. It didn't matter that I was a 49ers fan really, but they gave me a high-five just for cheering and being there. They were friendly and welcoming and most bar patrons in LA are not.

The next day, we did more walking around the city and made sure that we made reservations at the one restaurant that all of our trustworthy foodies/locals alike recommended: Publican.

Family style dining and pig portraits at Publican

Surround by hip people of all ages, we dined on rare secret beers (we were served beer that had a secret brewer) and such amazingly comforting foods like pork rinds, green beans with tuna, mussels, and a pork chop that made you tired of saying "wow, that's good!". And afterwards, we ate fig cake crusted with caramel corn and topped with goats milk ice cream and edible flowers. No big deal. (If you thought I thought that wasn't a big deal- you are being stupid.)

Mike and I like to eat a balanced diet. By that, I mean that we eat fancy then we have to balance it off with an assortment of junk food. The next day, we enjoyed dunkin donuts with coffee and 2 lunches that could be described as gross, greasy, and fatty by people who hate life.

Best Chicago dog

A Chicago dog can be distinguished from hot dogs in other cities by its combination of 3 qualities: beef hotdog with a "snap" (eat one in front of someone, if you bite it and they hear it, it's the snap), a poppyseed bun, and neon green relish. For the most part it looks like the hot dog had slid down a slip-n-slide of condiments or the jump castle in my fantasy fixins theme BBQ. Mr. Beef and his dogs may have already done that because the Chicago dogs are top notch.

2nd lunch at Al's Italian Beef, a couple blocks from Mr. Beef

This place was featured on Man vs. Food. Mike was so intrigued by this place because you're told you have to eat at the counter standing a certain way so that the dripping cheezy beef doesn't fall on you or your shoes. But you, know I liked sitting and eating it while sitting seemed just fine. The stains were worth it despite all the judgmental glares.

So that sums up our trip to Chicago. Later, we packed our bags and stood in line with all the Amish people and hopped on a train to Kalamazoo. (Yes, really)

Take that, witch! Your curse didn't work cuz I'm gettin' married!

Looking forward to best production of my life to date- my wedding!

Vince Gilligan on Conan

I absolutely love the show Breaking Bad. Here is an interview with its creator/showrunner, Vince Gilligan.

It's nice to know that some of the greatest ideas can come from a joke about misery among friends. And that he faints a lot just like me!

Fatty Catty the Artist

"R U Gunna Eat That?" by Fatty Catty 72 x 48 acrylic on canvas

Theme Parks at 30

The Lego store @ Legoland. 41 different colors. Many different shapes.

 

 Mike's daughter has a list of "Things to Do" for this summer. One of those things was to "Go to Legoland." We knew that we had to do it. She's been good and has tolerated enough 30something conversations about designer furniture and craft beer, that we only felt that it was fair to do actual "kid stuff."

I was excited. I enjoy rollercoasters and have many many fond memories playing with Legos. Mike and I had never been and we were more than happy to get the 12 year old clapping and jumping with excitement.

  Legoland Admission Fees

Now that I'm the one taking the 12 year old instead of vice versa, there are a few things that I don't find as amusing. First one being- holy shit, I have to pay and it's NOT cheap.

When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, that's a MORAY (eel)

 We first stop at the SeaLife aquarium to see some amazing creatures. And watch babies abuse starfish with their little sausage hands. This was promising and I was looking forward to the park now.

So we finally get in and it's all very familiar. Lockers. People taking souvenir pictures. Gift shops. Snack stands. Baby vomit. Crying. Gigantic bathrooms with adequate stroller rooms. Granted instead of a larger than life mouse, we are here to see blocks. But you know what? I'm here for fun and I'm going to try to enjoy is as I did when I was a kid! I'm going to party in this block land like there's no tomorrow! I'm going to show Legoland who's boss!

The first thing we do is ride a rollercoaster that was probably designed for toddlers. While the line was about 45-60 mins, the ride was no longer than 90 seconds. AND it didn't even go upside down! I think my back hurts! Maybe the next one will ... not?

Eat it quick before it turns into NORMAL ice cream!

So I continue on my search for childhood mirth and find Dippin Dots! I loved Dippin Dots as a kid and found that I still do! Except now I realize that it's just normal ice cream that I just paid for and am forced to consume it as fast as possible before it melts into the ordinary. The brain freeze was worth it, but the churning in my stomach from the sugarshock most certainly was not. Onward to fun!

Mike with a buffalo butt made out of Legos

The kid begs us to go on the Pirate ride which pretty much promises to get us soaked. Granted that even though I'm wearing my favorite jeans (fr Current Elliott- wooo!) I decide to sacrifice them for the sake of "fun." I decide to pass on the $10 plastic bag/poncho. It won't be needed because when it's hot, it's "fun" to get soaked and wear wet jeans! It's fun to have your clothing cling to you like a cold leech. So we finally get on board the large raft that is going to bring an end to dryness for the next few hours. As the raft takes its speedy decent into the water and a giant wave falls on top of me, it happens- a tsunami of expletives and malediction just come out of my mouth. As if I had just stepped in a wasp nest and all the angry wasps were cursing too! It was uncontrollable and the parents and children nearby pretend not to hear it. I walk out as fast as I can even though I am now 5 lbs heavier due to the water my clothing has now absorbed.

Lego replica of Lego factory

We continue walking to finally find things I truly enjoyed: Miniland USA and the Star Wars exhibit which were miniature models made entirely out of Legos.

 

Lego San Francisco

 Lego Star Wars Cantina

Lego MGM Grand, Las Vegas? Because that's what kids like to see.

I'm pretty sure I had taken photos of each structure and they were all very impressive. No details missed from tourists, prostitutes (oh, I'm sure they're in there) to aligator hunters in the pond.

The park closes at 8p, but the "BIG" gift shop conveniently stays open til 10p

We ride a few more rollercoasters that were lukewarm at best. I made Mike and the kid run across the park to make sure we got on as many rides as possible. It was a painful revelation that I had spent at least 6 hours of my day in a queue to ride these bunny hill rides not being amused, but I remembered that this wasn't about 30 year old me anymore- it was for the kids. The kids who are still scared of big rides and still want to buy everything in the gift shop, and for those of us to pay for it.